[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
You Might Also Like
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD