If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
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mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*