My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.