Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Choose your fighter
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will