Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
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Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball