I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*