i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Brands during Pride
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Growing up was a huge mistake
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Aaaa…CHOO!
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Cat is stressing him out.
Good advice.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*