I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
You Might Also Like
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*