I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
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I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG