My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
You Might Also Like
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
You wish you had this many chins.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name