I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
blocked.