there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
mumsnet is amazing
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
our love story in four pictures
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”