Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
new wife guy just dropped
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
He a real one for that
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.