Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me recordaron éste meme
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.