Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
You Might Also Like
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.