College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
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My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.