my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
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Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.