I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.