I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
You Might Also Like
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Ok but actually
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
(yawn)
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
God has left this place
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.