Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
You can’t outrun your problems…
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Seal it so to open it, you鈥檒l need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma鈥檃m- it鈥檚 5pm.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I鈥檓 from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 馃憤*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don鈥檛 you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Scientists are just wizards who don鈥檛 take fashion risks.