*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
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[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups