Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
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Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle