Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.