Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Iâm not saying you can solve everything with cake but Iâm also saying you shouldnât at least try to solve everything with cake.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
đđđđđđ¤Łđ¤Ł
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah weâre well aware thereâs no fruit named âcool blueâ
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but iâve destroyed it now
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheeseđł and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying ânom nom nom I love oil delicious oilâ
It really doesnât feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing âOh Holy Nightâ to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[SPELLING BEE]
âYour word is HOTELIERâ
âCan you use it in a sentence?â
âI bet my hotel is hotelier than yoursâ
How dare you with another birdâŚđđđŚ
will i understand 28 days later if i havenât first seen 28 days
âWow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.â
âThatâs a smart car.â
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
This is the most embarrassing thing thatâs ever happened to me. I call my cat âmy sweet boyâ and went out on my porch, saw him and said âhey there sweet boyâ unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.