i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
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“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.