*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.