SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
My patience has stretch marks.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great