Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
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Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
RT if you know someone like this!!!
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I love twitter
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”