[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
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Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Pikachu found the lost joint
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher