Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.