It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
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new shirt idea
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
the rocks need my help
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Can. I. Help. You.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.