It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
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Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE