she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
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DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
put ‘er there pardner!
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
There’s never enough good news
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?