I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
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My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Bruh PLEASE
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP