Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
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I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?