Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
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Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.