It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
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OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
car not found
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food