Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
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[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Cannot stop laughing at this
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
How I like cutting carbs
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly