*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.