New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack