I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
*limbos away from your hug*
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops