wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Was it something I said?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*