As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”