If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
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[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The biggest mystery of our time
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.