I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
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[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.