[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
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I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Got him!
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good