not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
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Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.