[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
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The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
normalize having existential bread
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”