Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I think they could have phrased this better
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.