It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.